The pain from my Crohn's is so bad it hurts to stand or sit.  The best position is lying flat.  I spent most of the night with vomiting and nausea, I prefer dealing with the pain over that.  My joints are red and inflamed this is the Lupus flaring it's ugly head.  My joints will actually break out in a red rash and then the skin will turn wrinkly and funny.  Well truly none of this is funny to deal with, but it is what I have been dealt for some reason, so I will make the best of it.  Just some days are easier than others.  Clearly this is not one of the easier days.

Today I went against my better judgement and tagged along to grocery shop at Costco.  I have no idea what I was thinking and why I thought all of a sudden I could handle this type of trip.  I spent most of the Costco visit in the restroom wishing that I was at home. As nice as it is to get out, it just isn't worth it.  Many people suggest that I just push myself to do things and pretend everything is okay.  There is no pretending with Crohn's Disease.  It is brutal and relentless.  You can't just imagine yourself well and life as normal.  I am in my pajamas and it is early afternoon.  I feel as if I ran a marathon instead of a simple trip to the store.  From now on I will listen to myself as I know what is best. My normal isn't the same as others, but I will stick to my normal.

Crohn's Disease is a living hell of daily torture and pain.  Swollen and abscessed internal organs make daily living difficult if not impossible.  I have known pain as I delivered two babies naturally and I would compare the pain to the pain of delivery.  You are dammed if you eat and you are dammed if you don't. I'm sure many people think you are living with a little occasional or even frequent diarrhea, let me tell you that isn't even the base of the problem.  Crohn's Disease slowly kills your intestines and colon and slowly but surely tortures you to death in the process.  Along the way it picks away at other areas of your body and the attempt to treat it brings you scores of other ailments some so debilitating that you wished Crohn's Disease was your only problem.  This is the life of a patient with severe Crohn's Disease.  You wouldn't wish this existence on your worse enemy.  The torture doesn't let up and the pain is unbearable! I am not sugar coating it as the truth needs to be told, it's true it may not be this bad for all but for myself and many this is my daily existence.

Some days I can handle the pain others not, today seems to be one of those days that I just can't take it.  It is just so constant and the pain pills seem to do nothing to touch it.  I had an errand I needed to do but really could care less about moving.  Sitting her with a blanket and heating pad.  I am sleeping but feel like I have run a marathon and not slept a wink when I wake up.  What's with that, furthermore I look like I haven't slept a wink.  Not a pretty sight.  No appetite and just constant unyielding pain.  So I will spend my day hoping that tomorrow will be better!

Today is day five of an all liquid diet.  So far, it has brought me little to no relief.  Other than the fact that I feel less bloated.  A lot of blood in my bowels and pain, I was hoping this would curtail or eventually stop all this.  I will continue, although I think I'm reaching for a miracle that just isn't going to be there.  This is an ugly disease that is cruel in its intent and doesn't seem to want to give up.  If you are thinking about doing this, I honestly don't think it's worth the effort.  As it does take a lot of effort to not eat, even with as little as I was able to eat, I still struggle with it.  No, I wouldn't suggest this, those folks who say that it cured them, probably weren't in the same state of the disease as I am and I am happy for them, but I honestly don't see this as a cure.

After being so sick I could barely keep my head up, I finally decided I need to do something drastic.  I started yesterday a liquid diet for six weeks.  I have read that doing so gives your body time to heal itself since your bowels are not being regularly used.  So I will continue to juice one meal a day, drink ensure for another meal and try to get through this.  Trying to intake enough calories that I don't lose too much weight.  Although yesterday I lost two pounds.  My pain level has been more tolerable and that in itself kept in my head might keep me on track.  The pain pills actually work instead of just bringing it to a dull roar.  So we will see how this goes.  The idea is that after the six weeks you can slowly introduce soft foods and it will be easier to tolerate.  We will see!

I am thankful for a group of online strangers, who like myself are going through or understand the plight of being chronically ill.  They have quickly become my friends.  They themselves have or are experiencing similar illnesses and are genuinely capable of being understanding and caring.  Without them it would be a hard existence as I am no longer my old self.  I used to be able to clean the whole house and now am lucky if I can clean one bathroom.  I used to go grocery shopping and handle it by myself and now I am lucky to go and pickup a couple items with someone along with me.  Even though my life has drastically changed I am holding the hope that something will come along to cure or put my diseases in remission.  If not all, even one less illness to deal with would be wonderful.  So until then, I will keep doing what I do and keep the faith that with more awareness, something will change sooner if not later.