Today it hurts to stand up, sit down and no walking around for sure.  It is just too painful to move.  I know it's a combination of Crohn's, Lupus, Fibro and the need for a Hysterectomy that I can't have.  I am landing in bed early afternoon and just trying my best to get through it.  As lonesome as it can be being chronically ill it's nice to have the internet.  It's much easier to manage when you are able to keep your mind occupied when it's available.  A person can only watch so much TV.  If you are stuck inside reach out to someone, phone, internet, email and if you aren't stuck inside still reach out to those that are.

The pain at the moment is staggerng.  I have uteran issues that were unable to be resolved with surgery due to my status of Crohn's Disease. So I continue to suffer.  At the moment it is a bit more than I can even imagine. I'm sure a pain pill will help but won't relieve this issue.  My poor hubby went to bed helping me out of bed and during the middle of the night.  It happens to leave me unable to move at times.  It seems pathetic that there are no cures for my Disease Crohns, Lupus and Fibro but I am hopeful it is in the near future or very least next generation.   I am happy to wake up each day, no matter how staggering the pain is, have some coffee and talk with my family and put my bravest face on that I can muster to make it through yet another day.  I do have to admit my favorite part of the day is when it's over and I can go back to sleep to escape my torture which at the moment is my life. We have to remember that my story isn't all that unique there are millions suffering with chronic illnesses often left to their own demise and probably a bit isolated as it's easy to forget about us.

Somedays I don't get out of bed, most days I get out of bed but return early afternoon.  I now have a phone in my room and my husbands as sometimes I can't move my body to sit up and get out by myself.  Early in the day I seem to hit a wall.  I have not stayed up to watch a movie in the past year.  I am asleep for the evening by 5pm.  I wished there was more I could do, I try and walk the dog when I can, today it was so painful on my feet, ankles and knees that I just couldn't do it.  I eat as well as to be expected and juice when my disease allows it.   This is the life of someone batteling three Auto Immune Diseases.  It takes a toll on your life no matter how hard you fight it.  I probably wouldn't even get up and get out of bed if it wasn't for the pain medication that gives me a break to be a bit human. I feel isolated and have minimal contact.  People quit calling when they know that nothing gets better and you have nothing to offer other than conversation.  It has been a hard reality being chronically ill, but it makes me understand better what others go through.

Eary afternoon I am so exhausted I crawl back into bed to sleep, even though I spend all day in bed.  My fear that is repeated night after night is waking to pain that leaves me unable to move.  I keep pain medication and a drink on my stand so I can reach over and take it, but then I have to lye there waiting for it to kick in so I am able to move and even then it's miserable.  With three Auto Immune Diseases it's hard to know which one is causing this. I suspect my Crohns as it's opposite my lower right abdomen.  If I go to the doctors it will be another Colonoscopy. I fear these procedures as they do them like blood tests on patients with Crohns.  Do them enough and you are likely to be one of the statistics for one reason or another.  I have been cautioned by relatives of Crohn's patients no longer with us who have gone through this and the one thing they say is don't let them over do this testing.  Not only that, but let's be honest it's a miserable prep.  I am not suggesting that others forgo this testing, I'm just saying for myself that enough is enough.  We know I have Crohn's, fissures and extreme inflammation and since there's no cure what good is the test again, again and yet again.  I realize it's a Cancer Screening and that I get, but nothing changes in six months to a year that drastically.  I honestly think it's a money maker!

Six days without a bowel movement and I knew I was in trouble.  Woke during the middle of the night vomiting and then this morning to horrendous pain.  Holding the wall and crying just to get through it.  Damm Crohn's Disease does a real  number on a person.  I went to bed yesterday afternoon feeling bad and could tell something was brewing.  On top of that I have very bad joint pain.  So much so that I cannot move in bed without taking a pain pill and waiting for it to kick in so I can adjust from by back to my side.  It's a real problem and honestly a bit scary.  Winter has set in here and it's set into my joints too.  I cannot live in a cold climate.  While I can't run out and move somewhere instantly it's clear that I need to find a spot to Winter in.  Winning the lottery would help too!

I really tried yesterday, but I broke down and took a Cymbalta and went to bed at 2:00 pm and slept 15 hours and then forced myself out of bed.  I feel a bit more human today, but my head is still off.  I am alive but not living and haven't been for a very long, long time.  It's a very sad existence to watch the world go forward without you.  I spend every single day in bed all night and all day.  I get up and shower only to go back to bed.  If I'm lucky I venture to the grocery store with my husband and a big trip might be Costco once a month.  This is not living and seems to be getting worse instead of better.  The last ten years have been so hard and no one seems to understand except for my immediate family who sees me and my existance.  Once in a while I get a break and it's like winning the lottery.  I never expected to be chronically ill and never understood others who were, until I have lived through it myself.  I realize there's no hope for me as even if I could get one disease under control, I have two others that would always be there.  It's just a bit much most days.  I deeply love my hubby, daughter and son and they are the reason I keep getting up showering everyday trying to pretend everything is normal.

Oh Boy am I sick.  It hurts to have my head upright and my eyes open.  And then there's the nausea.  This is what it's like to try and go off Cymbalta.  It's obvious that my healthcare providers don't care.  Even after a return phone call concerning my Cymbalta.  I told the person that she has no idea what it's like to go without this medication and it's all because of her.  She didn't do her job and here I sit suffering.  Why do people get into the healthcare business if they really don't give a shit about their patients.  She acts all nice and proper but deep down she's not as good of a person as she pretends to be.  I live in a small town where everyone knows each other and I have ran into this person and she has obviously been talkin about me in front of my face.  Question is, do I turn her into HIPAA.  I do deserve some privacy, it's bad enough she can't do her job.  She has no business telling others about my personal life.  If I choose to share it, then it's on me.  But healthcare workers should do their job and keep their mouth shut. Some people may think I need to be more positive, well I need to speak the truth.  This person shouldn't be able to do this to another.  If her job includes getting medications for patients, then she should know what the effects are when she makes mistakes.  I understand now why there are numerous lawsuits against the drug maker for not adequately explaining the consequences of having to get off this medication.  Yet there are many medications like this used to treat Fibromyalgia.