It seems as if my health has come to a cross roads.  I have been bleeding and in pain from my Uterus for 7 weeks and not just bleeding but heavily.  Twice I have been told I needed a Hysterectomy and last time my GI denied it.  Said it was too risky.  I am at a point where I just don't have a choice.  My bowels have decided it's time to give me terrible trouble and I ended up on the bathroom floor and it looked like a crime scene. Bleeding heavily from my bowels. Now if I didn't have Crohn's Disease I suppose I would have been sure I was dying and I could be but I know it's coming from a fissure in my anus or a tumor.  I realize I type this as if it's just so everyday, believe me it's not.  But in the scheme of what I have been through in my life it's not surprising.  Now to figure out if it's one surgery, two or will it just be easy or hard. I understand where my Doctor doesn't want to just go in and give me a bag but at some point the bleeding is going to force the hand and I hope we get this figured out and done before that happens.  My head is throbbing and I suspect it's from Anemia which I go into today to find out?  It's doctors appointments everyday and I am a wimp and hate going.  I have really let this come to a head because I know there's little that can be done for me. I can't treat my crohn's due to Positive Tb, liver damage and blah blah blah and I couldn't treat the Hysterectomy because of the Crohns.  I realize it could be worse and I just keep that in mind as I go through the struggle of what is called my health.  I have great family support from my inner circle and a handful of friends who care and a dog that gives me kisses, what more could a girl ask for? Oh, I know, my Health.

Lately my day ends around 4 in the afteroon and I go to bed and go to sleep.  Sleep is hard but the
fatigue leaves with nothing but to lay my head down and let go.  If I sleep it means I am not in pain.
I realize the world is going by as I sleep through the days, but there isn't much I can do about it.  I just awoke from fourteen hours of sleep and the only reason I woke was the Crohns pain was too much and I gave in to get up and run to the restroom.  I am stiff and unable to move much in the morning so I immediately take a pain pill. I still need to get that cane.  My dog always watches me with a funny tilt of his head in the morning, probably wondering why I am struggling to walk.  I
realize my life is deteriorating. My husband mentioned that if I am in this shape before fifty he wonders what old age is going to bring me.  I have thought of this too.

Been a whille, wished I could say I am healed or feeling much better but unfortunatelly, much of the same.  I have been having blockages for a month straight that put me on the bathroom floor. About three weeks ago I passed out in the bathroom hitting my head.  Last night I was peeled off the bathroom floor yet again.  It starts out as not having a bowel movement and this goes on for a couple of days and then it hits me.  Both ends at once and it's miserable.  The older I am getting the worse it is to go through this.  Thank goodness for my nausea and pain medication.  I have dealt with this on and off for many years but it seems to be wore and steady now.  When to go to the doctor for this?  Getting there.

I feel like CRAP!  Just plain feel bad.  Eating makes it so much worse too. I am holed up in my room in bed as always.  I don't want to feel bad, I want to wake up feeling great.  I realize this is too much to ask but I won't quit wanting it for my life.  Having 3 Auto Immune Diseases doesn't leave me much room for having many good days.  It's always a measure of how bad it really is and how much can I put up with. My days are much of the same and I have about 5 hours where I shower, watch TV and do what I can, the other time is spent in bed and or sleeping if I am lucky.  I am chronically ill, this I realize. It's just hard.

It is becoming very hard for me.  Went out of town I am screaminig and crying in the hotel bathroom, sicker than a dog.  Caught something on the plane that feels like bronchitus, racking cough with green mucous, fever and I feel really bad.  Lupus kept be from being able to get myself in and out without difficulty.  The worse is going back to the hotel by 4 in the afternoon to go to bed because I just can't do it.  This doesn't feel like living and I feel very dependent on my poor husband who generally most of the time tries to make the best of it.

After three days of pure hell I am up and able to move around the house again.  This morning was bad but I just scream into a towel and get through it.  If it wasn't for being able to take pain medicaton I don't know what I would do. The best thing I can do for myself is to stop eating and try and get this to settle down.  I'm always amazed at the amount of pain I am able to survive through  Yesterday was another contemplation to go to the ER but I know there isn't much they can do for me other than give me more pain medication and I'm  not good about taking what I have.  Just was at the Doctors Monday, really not much he can do either.  I did discuss the hope of stem cell in the future but he said that was a slim chance that it would be anytime soon.  Still hopeful for others. He also brought up my positive TB test but what the hell?  I can't take the treatment so I pretend it't not there.  It's about surviving baby!

Today it hurts to stand up, sit down and no walking around for sure.  It is just too painful to move.  I know it's a combination of Crohn's, Lupus, Fibro and the need for a Hysterectomy that I can't have.  I am landing in bed early afternoon and just trying my best to get through it.  As lonesome as it can be being chronically ill it's nice to have the internet.  It's much easier to manage when you are able to keep your mind occupied when it's available.  A person can only watch so much TV.  If you are stuck inside reach out to someone, phone, internet, email and if you aren't stuck inside still reach out to those that are.