Some days I can handle the pain others not, today seems to be one of those days that I just can't take it.  It is just so constant and the pain pills seem to do nothing to touch it.  I had an errand I needed to do but really could care less about moving.  Sitting her with a blanket and heating pad.  I am sleeping but feel like I have run a marathon and not slept a wink when I wake up.  What's with that, furthermore I look like I haven't slept a wink.  Not a pretty sight.  No appetite and just constant unyielding pain.  So I will spend my day hoping that tomorrow will be better!

Today is day five of an all liquid diet.  So far, it has brought me little to no relief.  Other than the fact that I feel less bloated.  A lot of blood in my bowels and pain, I was hoping this would curtail or eventually stop all this.  I will continue, although I think I'm reaching for a miracle that just isn't going to be there.  This is an ugly disease that is cruel in its intent and doesn't seem to want to give up.  If you are thinking about doing this, I honestly don't think it's worth the effort.  As it does take a lot of effort to not eat, even with as little as I was able to eat, I still struggle with it.  No, I wouldn't suggest this, those folks who say that it cured them, probably weren't in the same state of the disease as I am and I am happy for them, but I honestly don't see this as a cure.

After being so sick I could barely keep my head up, I finally decided I need to do something drastic.  I started yesterday a liquid diet for six weeks.  I have read that doing so gives your body time to heal itself since your bowels are not being regularly used.  So I will continue to juice one meal a day, drink ensure for another meal and try to get through this.  Trying to intake enough calories that I don't lose too much weight.  Although yesterday I lost two pounds.  My pain level has been more tolerable and that in itself kept in my head might keep me on track.  The pain pills actually work instead of just bringing it to a dull roar.  So we will see how this goes.  The idea is that after the six weeks you can slowly introduce soft foods and it will be easier to tolerate.  We will see!

I am thankful for a group of online strangers, who like myself are going through or understand the plight of being chronically ill.  They have quickly become my friends.  They themselves have or are experiencing similar illnesses and are genuinely capable of being understanding and caring.  Without them it would be a hard existence as I am no longer my old self.  I used to be able to clean the whole house and now am lucky if I can clean one bathroom.  I used to go grocery shopping and handle it by myself and now I am lucky to go and pickup a couple items with someone along with me.  Even though my life has drastically changed I am holding the hope that something will come along to cure or put my diseases in remission.  If not all, even one less illness to deal with would be wonderful.  So until then, I will keep doing what I do and keep the faith that with more awareness, something will change sooner if not later.

The perception with Crohns Disease is that you have a little bit of bowel problems.  Maybe too much Diahrea and some cramping.  I really think this is how the general public sees this disease.  Little do they know that many people live daily on pain medication.   Some are on pretty strong Biological Drugs similar to chemotherapy.  Many have other Diseases and or complications that they live with along with Crohn's Disease.  Most of had some sort of operation, resection or removal of some or all of their Guts.  The way Crohn's Disease is seen by others is changing, we are seeing more media ads and generally more and more people afflicted.  Seems that most everyone knows of someone with this Disease or something similar like Ulcerative Colitis.  Hopefully as things change so will the work being done to find a cure as that is really the only way we will be able to live pain free lives. 

It is very lonely to be a Chronically ill patient.  You hate to complain all the time, yet if people ask how you are doing, you want to be honest with them.  If you say you are fine, they will know that more than likely that isn't the truth.  I have found that when I was well I was relevant to my family members.  Coming from a large family I had a lot to offer my brothers and sisters.  Watching their children, taking them places, having them over for meals.  Now that I am cooped up and ill I have heard from one family member in the last year, to the rest I don't exist or my problems aren't as big as theirs.  That is the only reason I can think of for them to not care enough to drop an email or call and just see how I am doing. I know if something were to happen to me they would be all over it and would say they were so sad and missed me, yet I am not looking for interaction at death, rather during my life.  You learn to savor the people that care for you and truly care because they know that in health you may have more to offer but in illness you need them even more. Those are the few that truly care for you and aren't just doing it to stroke their ego, but to make sure you know they are there for you.

Sometimes I even surprise myself at the amount of pain I am able to endure.  Today was one of those days.  Just when I can't think I can stand it any longer, I some how manage through it.  There is something terribly wrong that we have been unable to come with a cure for this Disease.  So many people fight through the same pain that I go through daily too.  It shouldn't be like this.  But until something changes, I will have to keep putting on my big girl panties and fight through it, even when I think I can't endure it anymore.