I feel like CRAP!  Just plain feel bad.  Eating makes it so much worse too. I am holed up in my room in bed as always.  I don't want to feel bad, I want to wake up feeling great.  I realize this is too much to ask but I won't quit wanting it for my life.  Having 3 Auto Immune Diseases doesn't leave me much room for having many good days.  It's always a measure of how bad it really is and how much can I put up with. My days are much of the same and I have about 5 hours where I shower, watch TV and do what I can, the other time is spent in bed and or sleeping if I am lucky.  I am chronically ill, this I realize. It's just hard.

It is becoming very hard for me.  Went out of town I am screaminig and crying in the hotel bathroom, sicker than a dog.  Caught something on the plane that feels like bronchitus, racking cough with green mucous, fever and I feel really bad.  Lupus kept be from being able to get myself in and out without difficulty.  The worse is going back to the hotel by 4 in the afternoon to go to bed because I just can't do it.  This doesn't feel like living and I feel very dependent on my poor husband who generally most of the time tries to make the best of it.

After three days of pure hell I am up and able to move around the house again.  This morning was bad but I just scream into a towel and get through it.  If it wasn't for being able to take pain medicaton I don't know what I would do. The best thing I can do for myself is to stop eating and try and get this to settle down.  I'm always amazed at the amount of pain I am able to survive through  Yesterday was another contemplation to go to the ER but I know there isn't much they can do for me other than give me more pain medication and I'm  not good about taking what I have.  Just was at the Doctors Monday, really not much he can do either.  I did discuss the hope of stem cell in the future but he said that was a slim chance that it would be anytime soon.  Still hopeful for others. He also brought up my positive TB test but what the hell?  I can't take the treatment so I pretend it't not there.  It's about surviving baby!

Today it hurts to stand up, sit down and no walking around for sure.  It is just too painful to move.  I know it's a combination of Crohn's, Lupus, Fibro and the need for a Hysterectomy that I can't have.  I am landing in bed early afternoon and just trying my best to get through it.  As lonesome as it can be being chronically ill it's nice to have the internet.  It's much easier to manage when you are able to keep your mind occupied when it's available.  A person can only watch so much TV.  If you are stuck inside reach out to someone, phone, internet, email and if you aren't stuck inside still reach out to those that are.

The pain at the moment is staggerng.  I have uteran issues that were unable to be resolved with surgery due to my status of Crohn's Disease. So I continue to suffer.  At the moment it is a bit more than I can even imagine. I'm sure a pain pill will help but won't relieve this issue.  My poor hubby went to bed helping me out of bed and during the middle of the night.  It happens to leave me unable to move at times.  It seems pathetic that there are no cures for my Disease Crohns, Lupus and Fibro but I am hopeful it is in the near future or very least next generation.   I am happy to wake up each day, no matter how staggering the pain is, have some coffee and talk with my family and put my bravest face on that I can muster to make it through yet another day.  I do have to admit my favorite part of the day is when it's over and I can go back to sleep to escape my torture which at the moment is my life. We have to remember that my story isn't all that unique there are millions suffering with chronic illnesses often left to their own demise and probably a bit isolated as it's easy to forget about us.

Somedays I don't get out of bed, most days I get out of bed but return early afternoon.  I now have a phone in my room and my husbands as sometimes I can't move my body to sit up and get out by myself.  Early in the day I seem to hit a wall.  I have not stayed up to watch a movie in the past year.  I am asleep for the evening by 5pm.  I wished there was more I could do, I try and walk the dog when I can, today it was so painful on my feet, ankles and knees that I just couldn't do it.  I eat as well as to be expected and juice when my disease allows it.   This is the life of someone batteling three Auto Immune Diseases.  It takes a toll on your life no matter how hard you fight it.  I probably wouldn't even get up and get out of bed if it wasn't for the pain medication that gives me a break to be a bit human. I feel isolated and have minimal contact.  People quit calling when they know that nothing gets better and you have nothing to offer other than conversation.  It has been a hard reality being chronically ill, but it makes me understand better what others go through.

Eary afternoon I am so exhausted I crawl back into bed to sleep, even though I spend all day in bed.  My fear that is repeated night after night is waking to pain that leaves me unable to move.  I keep pain medication and a drink on my stand so I can reach over and take it, but then I have to lye there waiting for it to kick in so I am able to move and even then it's miserable.  With three Auto Immune Diseases it's hard to know which one is causing this. I suspect my Crohns as it's opposite my lower right abdomen.  If I go to the doctors it will be another Colonoscopy. I fear these procedures as they do them like blood tests on patients with Crohns.  Do them enough and you are likely to be one of the statistics for one reason or another.  I have been cautioned by relatives of Crohn's patients no longer with us who have gone through this and the one thing they say is don't let them over do this testing.  Not only that, but let's be honest it's a miserable prep.  I am not suggesting that others forgo this testing, I'm just saying for myself that enough is enough.  We know I have Crohn's, fissures and extreme inflammation and since there's no cure what good is the test again, again and yet again.  I realize it's a Cancer Screening and that I get, but nothing changes in six months to a year that drastically.  I honestly think it's a money maker!