Six days without a bowel movement and I knew I was in trouble.  Woke during the middle of the night vomiting and then this morning to horrendous pain.  Holding the wall and crying just to get through it.  Damm Crohn's Disease does a real  number on a person.  I went to bed yesterday afternoon feeling bad and could tell something was brewing.  On top of that I have very bad joint pain.  So much so that I cannot move in bed without taking a pain pill and waiting for it to kick in so I can adjust from by back to my side.  It's a real problem and honestly a bit scary.  Winter has set in here and it's set into my joints too.  I cannot live in a cold climate.  While I can't run out and move somewhere instantly it's clear that I need to find a spot to Winter in.  Winning the lottery would help too!

I really tried yesterday, but I broke down and took a Cymbalta and went to bed at 2:00 pm and slept 15 hours and then forced myself out of bed.  I feel a bit more human today, but my head is still off.  I am alive but not living and haven't been for a very long, long time.  It's a very sad existence to watch the world go forward without you.  I spend every single day in bed all night and all day.  I get up and shower only to go back to bed.  If I'm lucky I venture to the grocery store with my husband and a big trip might be Costco once a month.  This is not living and seems to be getting worse instead of better.  The last ten years have been so hard and no one seems to understand except for my immediate family who sees me and my existance.  Once in a while I get a break and it's like winning the lottery.  I never expected to be chronically ill and never understood others who were, until I have lived through it myself.  I realize there's no hope for me as even if I could get one disease under control, I have two others that would always be there.  It's just a bit much most days.  I deeply love my hubby, daughter and son and they are the reason I keep getting up showering everyday trying to pretend everything is normal.

Oh Boy am I sick.  It hurts to have my head upright and my eyes open.  And then there's the nausea.  This is what it's like to try and go off Cymbalta.  It's obvious that my healthcare providers don't care.  Even after a return phone call concerning my Cymbalta.  I told the person that she has no idea what it's like to go without this medication and it's all because of her.  She didn't do her job and here I sit suffering.  Why do people get into the healthcare business if they really don't give a shit about their patients.  She acts all nice and proper but deep down she's not as good of a person as she pretends to be.  I live in a small town where everyone knows each other and I have ran into this person and she has obviously been talkin about me in front of my face.  Question is, do I turn her into HIPAA.  I do deserve some privacy, it's bad enough she can't do her job.  She has no business telling others about my personal life.  If I choose to share it, then it's on me.  But healthcare workers should do their job and keep their mouth shut. Some people may think I need to be more positive, well I need to speak the truth.  This person shouldn't be able to do this to another.  If her job includes getting medications for patients, then she should know what the effects are when she makes mistakes.  I understand now why there are numerous lawsuits against the drug maker for not adequately explaining the consequences of having to get off this medication.  Yet there are many medications like this used to treat Fibromyalgia.

Six weeks ago I called my doctor to reorder a medication I get from the drug manufacturer because my insurance doesn't cover it and its close to 10K a year.  I have been taking it for a very long time.  I then called her back 3 weeks later and she never ordered it and of course at that time I only had a week left of it.  So I have been only taking it every few days.  Problem is it makes you feel horrible!  Not having gives you head spins, nausea, pain etc. I called yesterday and basically gave it to her, explaining that it's not like taking an aspirin and missing a day.  She called back and said they are red flagging my application and will try and process asap. Well that does me no good.  I am determined to stop taking this medication whether it helps or not.  It is prescribed for fibromyalgia and other joint pain problems but I can't live like this. This is a regular occurance for her and she just doesn't care. There are numerous websites offering support along with lawsuits concerning this drug and how horrible it is to get off of it.  It's not a narcotic.  It suppresses the brain signal in your brain to not feel pain, is my best description.  So I am on an every 3 day take a pill and only have four left.  If it gets to bad I will go to the ER or my doctor. I have been in misery and am determined to never experience it again.  If I get the medication I am going to continue my weaning and eventually I will get off of it or order a smaller milligram till my body no longer needs it.  I am going to try some other type of therapies for my pain in my joints.  I started taking this drug at a point where I was unable to leave the house to walk down the block due to horrible pain.  I just am keeping my fingers crossed that this doesn't happen again.   Where are the ethics of people in these positions.  They tout her as such a nice person, well a nice person would do their job and not put a persons health at risk.  One of the side effects of going off this medication are siezures, it's a serious game she's playing and I let her know that yesterday. She never once acknowledge that she had done anything wrong, suprising huh?

This is the second night in a row where I have been up with severe pain.  I awoke and couldn't move due to the pain.  Even reaching over for a pain pill made me cry.  Finally, after two and waiting an hour I was able to get out of bed.  But it's the middle of the night and I am up dealing with this.  I am so thankful my two children are grown and I don't have to get up and go to a job.  My only responsibilty is myself.  I do feel bad for my husband.  While we were away it was aparent that I am not up to going anywhere.  The last day we spent in the hotel and each evening, well after 5, I hit the hotel room bed and was asleep.  People keep talking about finding the good in your quest, there honestly is nothing good about being this sick. Period.  God did not give this to me, it is not inspiring and I would change it if I could!

No amount of pain medication is going to help me today.  My uterus and crohn's are doing me in.  Literally feel like a knife being twisted and turned and no let up. I respect the fact that my GI didn't think I would be able to go through a hysterectomy but the thought of more years of this after enduring it for so long is bleak.  Pain just sucks all thought from your mind, love from your being and strength from your soul.  If I didn't think what my doctor was saying was true, I would demand they do more to help me.  My only hope is early menopause and it's not looking likely.  My life has been much of the same and just continues to be a repeat of one day to the next. The less you are able to be there for others, the more lonely it becomes. People realize you have nothing to offer them and they eventually leave your life.  While it's very sad for myself, it has taught me a great lesson about life and if all I can do is offer words of encouragement for my struggling friends, then that is what I will do as it reminds me that I am not completely alone.

I have to say, I often feel defeated from being sickly so much and in such dire pain.  Friday night I fell asleep early afternoon and woke up to horrendous Crohn's in the evening.  I prayed for god to help me or take me as either one would have been fine at the moment.  I thought about the ER but was in too much pain to make it happen.  My family was mostly sleeping and so I was on the bathroom floor crying and shaking and trying to live through what we call Crohn's Disease.  Saturday was hard and I went to bed again in the early afternoon and slept through the pain till the morning, to only start over.  It sucks the energy from your life and you feel just plain helpless.  This morning I feel weak and "done in" for lack of a better phrase.  To have bowels and intestines that don't like it when you eat and you have to endure the food going through your system during these passages of it being mad is like jumping into a pool of hell!