I have been trying to decide if I should continue blogging.  My intent was to make people aware of what Crohn's Disease is really about and how it affects you.  A lot of the time I think people just find that it's too much to read or even comprehend how sick we really are.  Reading and following someone with this disease seems to be overwhelming to everyone except those we have it themselves.  So I took a couple weeks of a break and now I am back and feel that yes, I should probably continue as hard as it might seem for some to take.  If nothing else it will make others happier about their situation, if for nothing else but the fact that they don't have to deal with this.

Have you ever had the flu?  Maybe once a year, every other year and the thought of it give you the quivers.  Cohn's Disease is the flu everyday of your life.  Constant sickness and your body never really gets the time to recover.  You know how after the flu you are weak and it takes a week or few days to get back to yourself.  We never get the opportunity to get back to ourselves.  It is a constant beating of your body and you are constantly fighting that beating off.  There are some who achieve remission with their disease and they are very fortunate as many of us don't.  Next time you meet someone with Crohn's Disease remember they are sick every single day and they never get the much needed break.

In Central Oregon it seems as if there is a real lack of Gastroenterology Doctors.  They take months to initially get into if they are taking new patients.  Once in, the return appointments are sometimes as far as six to eight months out.  How can a doctor properly follow and treat a patient if it takes that long to initially see someone and the return care is so far out in the future.  As a patient you feel as if you are begging to be able to be seen.  It really is a disgrace and a problem if you are one of the few unfortunate ones that are sick.  There are a few large clinics/hospitals in the area, you would think they would be able to attract a few more specialist seeing that they are so busy.  Just doesn't seem to be so.  It is one thing to be sick, but another to live somewhere that being able to get treated is a long shot.

Most of us with Crohn's Disease probably don't look sick.  It is such a misconception to see someone who is really suffering, yet they may look healthy and you assume they are fine.  Assuming is really wrong, some of us are just forcing ourselves to go about our daily lives and look and act as normal as possible.  Our loved ones who are close to us can attest to what we really are going through.  Just because I get up everyday and force myself to shower and dress doesn't mean I feel like doing that.  I keep moving forward and try to keep things as normal as possible even though I feel far from normal.  When I was in the office with my Infectious Disease Doctor and broken out with lupus, he said "for as sick as you are you look healthy".   What the heck does that mean.  I don't have sick stamped on my forehead but believe me when I say, I am.   

My migraine has finally lifted.  Thank god.  So I was off to Walmart this morning, not to do the shopping but to tag along with my hubby.  I don't realize my energy level and just how sick I really am.  It was just too much.  Of course if I go somewhere I ultimately end up in the restroom.  Just walking next to the cart up and down the isles was just too much.  I really couldn't do it.  I am surprised that I am as sick as I really am.  I am at home so much and take comfort in being able to stay in the house and rest and get through the days that my inability to function as I used to sometimes surprises even myself.  I really took for granted being able to do everyday things and now I really miss it.

For the last sixteen months I have been on a low residue restrictive diet in the effort to control my Crohn's Disease.   I feel constantly hungry.  I have not eaten a meal in all this time.  I mostly snack on a few regular things.  They include soft bananas, eggs, a little peanut butter, toast and a little yogurt.  This is it.  Of course you can imagine I am sick of these foods since this is all I have been able to eat.  The other problem is my lack of nutrition and energy.   If I sway from these few foods there is hell to pay as you can imagine and many with Crohn's can attest to.  I drink lots of liquids in an effort to keep my energy up but it is hard.  I refuse to go out to eat as it is just painful to sit and watch everyone else and I no longer cook the meals.   I used to always be concerned about my weight and now looking back I would completely do it differently.  I would just eat and enjoy being able to eat because you never know when that will change.

I am a tad better today, not much but enough to hold my head upright.  I will take it.  Anything that leads me in the right direction is so welcomed.  Being sick all the time gets old and you long for the days or hours of some respite.  I don't have to be well everyday, nor do I expect to be,  but just a small break gives my mind a little bit of a break back to a better reality.  The reality of constantly being sick can be so dang hard.  So a little bit of sunshine in my life helps keep me mentally going in the right direction.