Saturday was spent all day in the restroom and Sunday in bed.  Really when I finally fell asleep through the pain last night, I woke feeling as if I haven't slept in weeks and the pain was back worse than ever before.  I just realized this morning that I am taking 24 pills a day, minimum.  It is laughable considering how sick I really am.  Sometimes I wonder how I am able to get through this, day after day.  I no longer have any good days, it's just the matter of how really bad I feel.  Considering I take so many pills and I am unable to take anything to treat my Lupus or my Crohns seems ridiculous but until my liver heals, which I cross my fingers it does, I will be unable to treat the TB.  Until the TB is treated, I won't be able to treat the two Diseases.  Really treating is an overstatement.  There are no cures, there are drugs that may or may not help with your symptoms and likely will leave you worse off than you really are.  Until there is a cure or even a known reason we are afflicted with these diseases there will be no relief.  We really are just trying to put bandaids on a wound we don't even know how we got or why it is there?  That really is a hard way to live and sad would be an understatement.  This disease has to be radicated if not in my lifetime hopefully my children's lifetime. 

Yesterday I could barely stand up or sit down due to Lupus pain in my hips and knees.  Today I cannot control my bowels, just changed clothes and bathed for a second time and it's noon.  Thank goodness I am home.  I can't image trying to be at a job and deal with this along with the severe pain.  It seems like a cruel joke but it is my life.  I watched a show on TV last night about individuals whose bones turn to stone.  There are 700 such individuals in the world.  So it could be worse and that is what keeps me from feeling pity for myself.  I would rather deal with this, than what they have to deal with.  And the minute you start taking life for granted you too could be hit with something devastating that will forever effect your life.  So until then, keep moving and enjoy every blessed minute you have!

The pain yesterday was the worse I have ever endured.  I wonder how I survive through it, but I seem to make it. Today isn't much better, although it must be because yesterday at this time I was sitting in a hot bath of water trying to get some relief since the pain pills were doing nothing. NADA! I cry a lot too.  Pathetic I know but I have to, it's the only way to bear the misery. My pain is always in the exact same spot.  My lower right quadrant, my colon.  I suppose it is like having a flaring appendix that never is taken out, just constant misery.  I would never in a million years expect this for my life but it is what I have been dealt.  I just have to deal with it and make the best of a bad situation.  Some people get relief with an ostomy and many don't.  There isn't an easy answer for this.  Furthermore the drugs being used at the present time seem very unpredictable and new, I realize this generation of sufferers are guinea pigs for the future generations.  There will come a time where they will have drugs that actually offer relief or a cure for this, but until then I have to fight the fight.  Sometimes worse than others, right now it is worse.

I am in so much pain today I can barely think straight.  I will probably just go back to bed and try to sleep though it and deal with it the best I can.  Not much else I can do.  There isn't much that going to the Emergency Room would do other than giving me stronger pain medications.  I hate the pain medications as it is, so I would rather stick it out and just try and get through it.  I feel bad that so many other people are going through the same thing, it is not an easy existence.

The pain from my Crohn's is so bad it hurts to stand or sit.  The best position is lying flat.  I spent most of the night with vomiting and nausea, I prefer dealing with the pain over that.  My joints are red and inflamed this is the Lupus flaring it's ugly head.  My joints will actually break out in a red rash and then the skin will turn wrinkly and funny.  Well truly none of this is funny to deal with, but it is what I have been dealt for some reason, so I will make the best of it.  Just some days are easier than others.  Clearly this is not one of the easier days.

Today I went against my better judgement and tagged along to grocery shop at Costco.  I have no idea what I was thinking and why I thought all of a sudden I could handle this type of trip.  I spent most of the Costco visit in the restroom wishing that I was at home. As nice as it is to get out, it just isn't worth it.  Many people suggest that I just push myself to do things and pretend everything is okay.  There is no pretending with Crohn's Disease.  It is brutal and relentless.  You can't just imagine yourself well and life as normal.  I am in my pajamas and it is early afternoon.  I feel as if I ran a marathon instead of a simple trip to the store.  From now on I will listen to myself as I know what is best. My normal isn't the same as others, but I will stick to my normal.