I have never been one to run to the doctors and I think that was my downfall with this disease.  Twenty years ago I had a bad episode and passed out split my chin open after being up all night with what now I know is Crohn's Disease.  Over and over again I complained about strange symptoms as was blown off.  I think that is really why today my Crohn's has never been in remission while others find relief.  There unfortunately are many like myself who just don't get out of the flare and live quite miserably.  If you think something might be wrong with your health and you feel like you are misdiagnosed or in my case blown off, keep at it.  You know your body better than anyone else and if something is wrong, get to the bottom of it sooner than later.  I'm pretty sure I have had this disease since I was little.  I thought everyone had painful bowel movements and problems with pain in their stomach.  It is not the case and so it went on for so many years and is unbeatable because of that.  You are your best advocate, don't let anyone tell you any differently.

I got up and got dressed, showered and then an hour later caved in and put my robe on.  Comfort is so nice when you are under the weather.  I have been batteling the flu and it doesn't want to go away.  I refuse to give in and get an antibiotic because as many of you know it reeks havoc on your disease.  Crohn's Disease is so similar to the flu that at first I wasn't sure it was the flu, but the head feeling like it could pop off was my strong indicator.  I went into the doctors to pick up a prescription and they had the masks for everyone to wear and I thought, well I will be quick, so I will be fine.  WRONG!  I usually avoid going in this time of year but they refused to give my prescription this time to my hubby and so I was forced in to give them the okay.    What a price to pay just to pick up a prescription.  Ah well, as with everything else this too shall pass.

Could not fall asleep last night so about midnight I had toast.  I was out of my normal bread and had to have healthy whole wheat.  Boy was that a big mistake.  I thought I was going to die this morning and it continues through this afternoon.  I cried, screamed, put my head in a towel and just prayed to god that I would get through it and somehow I always do.  My intestines are very swollen and I really wonder how I continue to live with this day after day.  This is a damm hard disease and completely brutal.  I usually eat a small amount of yogurt, applesauce and smashed banana with peanut butter and a piece of fish.  Trying to keep things that are easy to digest, soft and high in protein and or nutrition.  Needless to say, today I have a loaf of my plain white unhealthy bread that is easier to digest and I hope my Crohn's will settle down.  All in the day of the life of someone with Crohn's Disease.   Surviving these brutal episodes wears you down mentally and physically.

Everyday I read about or meet someone new who has been burned by taking a Biological Drug.  It is either in a small or very large form.  Mostly very large.  Today not only did I deal with the endless trips to the restroom with Crohn's but horrible fatigue and joint pain and rash from my Lupus (which for those of you who don't know) was caused by Humira.  My Psoriasis is flaring at the same time but really is small potatoes compared to the other problems.  I get up and get dressed everyday with the thought that this makes me feel less like a patient and more like a human being but today I did give in to the Shingles and get back into my Pajamas.  If I'm going to suffer it's going to be in comfort.  Some days I just give into all of this crap, no pun intended. 

So supposedly they have found that people with suppressed immune systems can get shingles more than once and I am the lucky recipient.  I wondered why I was so dang miserable and now with the rash and blisters I realize what is going on.  I'm glad to know why I am so cranky and uncomfortable and just down right miserable.  No wonder I feel like the devil reincarnated.  So I will just try and make myself as comfortable as possible and get through this as this too shall pass.

Today I sit with a heating pad and trying to make the best of another bad day.  When am I going to get a break from all of this crap.  I think if I would get a light reprieve the day in and day out of being chronically ill would be easier to take.   I am going through a long period of not feeling well and on top of not feeling well I am in extreme pain on a constant basis.  So many people write just make the best of it, how do you make the best of pain?  I mean really, you must not be in the same state of agony I am in if you can say this sort of thing.  If you can make the best of it, you must have moments of feeling okay and times when you feel shitty.  For a very long time I haven't had moments of feeling okay, I just feel shitty.

I am avoiding calling my mother because I cannot hide how miserable I am to her and I don't want to upset her or give her unneeded stress.  When I'm not feeling well the emotions take over.  My poor daughter has seen this in me over the last few weeks.  Usually I can put a smile on my face and pretend I am fine but lately I haven't been able to do that.  I cry everyday over pain that I cannot seem to get a grip on.  Usually a person who doesn't feel good can put on a good face and get through it, but chronic severe pain is hard to live through like nothing is going on. The face of being chronically ill isn't easy and I'm tired of pretending it is.