Living daily with Crohns Disease: I am in so much misery, I took a bath, sat and cri...

Living daily with Crohns Disease: I am in so much misery, I took a bath, sat and cri...: I am in so much misery, I took a bath, sat and cried and put my pajamas back on. Then I decided I needed to once again pickup myself up and ...

I am in so much misery, I took a bath, sat and cried and put my pajamas back on. Then I decided I needed to once again pickup myself up and try to do as much as possible before giving in.  So that is what I did.  I am not convincing myself.  My Lupus is flaring with red breakouts and excruciating joint pain.  My Crohn's was all night and all morning.  It is hard when this is your daily life, everyday same thing.  The sad fact is that there are millions of us all in the same situation.  With the drug companies getting rich off of so called treatments, there is no reason for them to want to try and shoot for a cure anytime soon.  It's not in their best interest.   So once again, I try and make the best of a very bad situation.  Pain is a four letter word for a reason!

Living daily with Crohns Disease: It is one of those day. Tried to walk with dog to...

Living daily with Crohns Disease: It is one of those day.  Tried to walk with dog to...: It is one of those day.  Tried to walk with dog to the end of the culdesac and barely made it.  Crohn's and Lupus seem to be kicking my ...

It is one of those day.  Tried to walk with dog to the end of the culdesac and barely made it.  Crohn's and Lupus seem to be kicking my ass today.  Back in bed in pajamas.  It's one of those days where I know better and just give in and give up.   I am starting to think I need to desperately live in a warmer climate and am really wanting a hot tub.  Just trips back and forth to the restroom, such is a day in the life of a crohnie.  But it is really exhausting.  It hurts to sleep, I woke up and in between running to the restroom I waited for a pain pill to kick in.  My pain patch should be helping but it's almost like it's not there anymore.  I could run to the doctors but really don't feel like they are much help and my GP is off for two weeks.  My guess is hunting season.  They take it pretty serious in this small town.

The Lupus is really taking it's toll on me.  I slept 28 of the last 48 hours and forced myself out of bed only to feel exhausted.  Fighting off the pain really wears you out.  I find it more important than ever to eat a very well balanced diet.  My Crohn's is the same no matter what I eat, so I figure I might as well as eat as well as possible in the hopes of retaining some of the nutrients.  This morning I had a banana and cashews, lunch will be juice (freshly juiced vegies) and applesauce and finally dinner will be grilled white fish and a half of a sweet potato.  If I get hungry in between I may have some dehydrated fruit or some hummus.  This isn't a diet I am on but a change in my life style.  So many foods are bad for lupus and I finally decided I would do everything in my power to help myself as the medical community hasn't done anything positive for me.  It is the drug companies jobs to keep us sick, if they were to figure out cures for these auto immune diseases then they would go broke, hence keeping us ill is what they are achieving.  Once I figured this out, it changed my whole perspective on what I was willing and wanting to do to achieve health. My goal is to eventually see a Chinese herbal doctor or Naturalpath.

Living daily with Crohns Disease: My Lupus has been flaring something awful. My joi...

Living daily with Crohns Disease: My Lupus has been flaring something awful.  My joi...: My Lupus has been flaring something awful.  My joints are spread with red hot inflammation.  It hurts to sit down, stand up, move, lye still...

My Lupus has been flaring something awful.  My joints are spread with red hot inflammation.  It hurts to sit down, stand up, move, lye still and even trying to sit down to use the facility is excruciating, enough that I cry out in pain.  Evidently Hepatitis C can cause your Lupus to flare.  Well flaring it is.  It is exhausting to be in so much pain and it is out of my control.  My diet is right for this disease being high in vegetables, fruit, no dairy, no red meat, high in fish protein, nuts, seeds and really anything else that is good for you.  I have cut out all processed foods.  I get plenty of rest and have tried to eliminate as much stress as humanly possible.  On the days that I can move I walk my dog good brisk walks twice a day.  If I wasn't sick with diseases and other ailments, I would probably be at the peak of my health.  So now I need to decide if I can really treat my pain on my own as that is the only way I was able to heal my last bought with Hepatis and since my pain patches are causing it, I am in a no win situation.  I tried once recently to ween off of them and the pain always wins.  What in the hell do I do?  I will speak up and not shut up about the importance of pointing out the life threatening side effects from the Biological Drugs being used like candy to treat Immune Diseases.  I wished the doctors would promote drastic changes to your diet, your life and your well beings as a first means of defense before handing out these unknown new and highly touted drugs by drug companies, who are making millions while we suffer into the depths of the earth.

Have you ever left the house and gone somewhere and when you get there you immediately wished you had stayed home  Arriving and doing whatever the task is at hand, just proves to be too much for you to handle?  That was me today at Costco, I felt completely out of sorts.  Just trying to drag myself up and down the isle till it was over with.  It is hard to accept the fact that you are sick and just need to stay home all the time but it is a better environment than pretending to feel well and coming across crass.  I cannot stand and pretend I am well and happy and carry on a conversation and seem interested when I am having a hard time just standing up and functioning.  I think this is one of the very hard things with this disease.  I have learned to say no and eventually people quit asking and the judgement follows, but honestly if getting out of bed each day is all we can muster up to do, then I don't think we should be bullied into doing more than that.  It is what is is.  No one would give up an active life to become a sick hermit at home, it's not about no wanting to, it's about knowing your limits and clearly today I misjudged my own

It is fall and so many of my Crohn's friends are suffering including myself.  I have to believe the change in the weather must be the reason it sends so many of us into flares.  I have been suffering from migraines for weeks now and it has really peeked.  I sit with my sunglasses on and shades pulled and will make it for a short bit and then need to close my eyes.  My Crohn's is active and keeps me up most of the night, I take a pain pill and nod off only to wake up in the bathroom.  Maintaining my eating little or less than nothing to try and control this but it doesn't seem to be helping.  Then there is the lovely Lupus.  My joints are flaming red and it hurts just to try and adjust my body when laying in bed.   I feel completely and utterly broken.  Spent the last 18 hours in bed and I am back in bed again.  To say this is a hard life is an understatement.  Some people say when they get sick that they wouldn't change anything, the experience made them a better person.  I say screw that, I would change everything!  There is nothing about being chronically ill that has made me a better person.

I am going longer in between pain patches in the hopes of slowly weaning myself off this medication.  The easier way I am told is to go on methadone and you don't experience the nasty side effects.  The problem along with all this is that my pain is also coming back with a strong furry.  My crohn's has increased and it hurts to move.  I sit here with my feet up and a heating pad underneath them for some relief.  I have no idea what in the world I am going to do once I get myself off this crap as before I was bed bound.  But if I continue to take it I will continue to have hepatitis and the side effects of liver damage as just as damming.  I realize I cannot give up but I do feel a bit hopeless.  What in the hell am I going to do?  I guess just get through getting off these patches, which will take a few months and hopefully get through having hepatitis, an increase in my Crohn's Disease and Lupus pain that is unjust and unbearable.

Wow, what a week for me.  I have been so, so, sick.  I slept 16 hours last night and had to be woken up.  The hepatitis is making very tired, dizzy, nauseated and generally in poor health, which sounds funny to say.  I have no appetite and it's like having the flu.  Along with very sore joints from Lupus and my Crohn's not playing fairly and on top of all this I have to slowly wean myself off of my pain patch, which will be months to battle as it is very addicting.  Things are always so bad for me that when something else happens it's really makes me feel down for the count.  Just feeling broken and sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Like I haven't said that before.

Living daily with Crohns Disease: Truly am so sick that if I think about it I could ...

Living daily with Crohns Disease: Truly am so sick that if I think about it I could ...: Truly am so sick that if I think about it I could just cry all the time.  Crohn's pain and trips most of the night and on top of that I ...

Truly am so sick that if I think about it I could just cry all the time.  Crohn's pain and trips most of the night and on top of that I have excruciating joint pain.  It hurts to step or walk on my feet.  My shoulders hurt, knees hurt, calves, hips and just about everything.  It's impossible to sleep and all I can try to do is take my mind off of it.   On top of this, I feel a migraine coming on.  I still feel determined to eat well no matter what.  Anything I can do to maybe make a difference is worth a try.  But I feel dreadful.  Monday I will get my results concerning my liver and whether I can continue on the pain patch or not.  All I can do is just no one else has to go through this and try and keep a good attitude although today it is painfully hard.

My joints don't hurt they are on fire with pain.  I can barely move to sitting position in bed and force myself up from a sitting position but cry out in pain.  I force myself to keep walking but it's almost null as I have become so very slow.  Its not just a little ache this is almost a point of feeling like my joints are locked and the pain radiates up and down my legs and across my shoulder and into my hands.  I worry that it is becoming very debilitating.  Currently I am flaring with fissures that feel like a knife is being poked into my bottom and it doesn't seem to be getting better.  It is frightening to be this sick, I don't understand why I am getting worse instead of better.  I am thankful for a few weeks reprieve but it's back with a vengeance.  I am eating well, as well as I can considering.  I had a banana for breakfast yesterday, juiced (carrots, spinach, kale and an apple for lunch.  Dinner was an apple and organic peanut butter.  Everyday I fall asleep mid afternoon,so I am getting plenty of rest even though it doesn't feel restful.  Today I started liquid glucosamine as anything is worth a try and I will try anything just to feel relief.

My Crohn's Disease is back.  Slept through pain all night and finally gave in early this morning to get through it.  I feel very tired and know this is the cause of fatigue that is hard to overcome.  But I had a few weeks reprieve from it and that's the most I have had in so many years.  I feel horrible if you can say that, I realize grabbing the wall and crying to get through a restroom trip isn't normal but it's what I have to deal with.  My cyst is hurting in my jaw and I think it may be growing, not sure what if anything I am going to be able to do about it.  My labs finally came back after almost two months of waiting on the results and my liver is still damaged, inflammation markers are quite high and I still have Latent TB.  Really it's much of the same.  Disappointing that my Crohn's Disease is back.

I have experienced joint pain, crohn's, migraines, psoriasis and the list goes on but this new problem is really something else.  My teeth are hurting like crazy, shooting pain through my face like a knife.  It is sporadic with some teeth and has sat on some others.  Just all of a sudden.  Lupus can cause inflammation in the nerves and others go and have gone through this.  Do I pull all of my teeth and get dentures?  Doesn't exactly sound appealing yet I cannot eat because of this and or sleep.  Do I go to the dentist and have him start working on every tooth?   My right side of my face is swollen even though I have iced and applied heat.   I will have to go in and talk to the dentist about all this as something will have to be done.  My life feels like a cruel joke at the moment.

So the inflammation in my nerves in my mouth is causing me crazy ass pain.  Literally, I can't eat and have to lye with a heating pad just to tolerate it.  Some people have all their teeth pulled as they can't stand it and I can understand doing that.  It feels as if pulling every tooth would relieve the pain.  I guess this is a common Lupus symptom.  Imagine having a whole head of toothache pain, it's odd pain too.  It radiates up the nerves into your cheeks and down into your jaw.  I survived last night without going to the ER and I will keep hanging in there but it's getting hard.  God help others who have to go through this too.  This is no way to live.

A very new symptom which is really bothering me.  It seems the nerves in my jaw are inflamed from Lupus and it feels like very dang tooth in my head needs to be pulled out.  Literally a whole head of aching teeth.  It is fairly common and many people choose to have their teeth pulled to find relief from the aching others go through extensive dental work.  What really needs to be done is some anti inflammatory treatment, unfortunately my liver isn't well enough to handle that nor my Crohn's.  I feel like somewhere someone has created a voodoo doll of me and decides what cruel joke to play.  I know it could be worse but toothache in every dam tooth makes me feel like my head could pop off.  I am on my pain patches which is supposedly 100 times stronger than morophine, I wonder how much worse it would be without them.  It's all about inflammation and it overtaking my immune system.

Another grueling event.

I literally thought I was going to die last night.  The pain was so bad I didn't know how I was going to survive.  All week I have been a bit sick and I kept saying I felt off.  Well, now I know why I felt that way.  I had a blockage and starting passing bowel and throwing up tons at the same time and the pain was so bad I couldn't stand it.  This went on for quite a while till finally the blockage passed and the pain and vomiting subsided.  What a damm grueling event to go through.  This all while my sweet daughter is here visiting.  I spent most of the time in bed and now my daughter is going back home.  But I am so thankful to have survived this and feeling exhausted but better today.  I slept part of the night in the tub with my puppy dog.   He just jumped in and cuddled next to me, what a sweetheart.

I was blessed with a decent day yesterday but not so much today.  Lovely Crohn's forced me awake and what a morning it was.  I am sitting in bed with a blanket, trying to get through lower abdominal pain.  It seems with having two diseases I can't catch a break very often with a decent day.  My lupus rashes are flaring and that means another flare is close and coming.  It hurts to stand up and sit down but I am just trying to make the best of a bad situation which is all really any of us can do.  Crohn's disease is so brutal and mean.

Wow still not feeling good or right.  But I was able to talk to my daughter today for the first time in weeks.  So miss her.  It's just when you are too sick to think you can't carry on conversations with people or answer the phone without sobbing.  There is no use in making others upset and bringing them down into your own misery.  I prefer to wait till I start to become a bit of myself again, but it's becoming longer and longer between these outbreaks.  I woke up to Crohn's pretty damm miserable and had a hard time sleeping even though I was asleep early evening again.  I feel a tad better today.  I was able to get out of the tub by myself and sit without crying.  Being that sick suck the life out of you and the happiness so the small breaks are appreciated.  I drank a cup of coffee on the deck this morning. Even though I have been in my pj's for hours it's still a step forward from yesterday.

Lupus has really got it's grip on me hard.  It literally hurts to sit up and lye down, more than just a little casual pain, this is cry out in agony pain.  I have to admit it's getting old, but what can I do.  I am waiting for my labs from my doctor, it would be nice to see if my inflammatory markers are high, it won't change much.  Still not much I can do to treat any of this.  Still dealing with liver issues which still prevent me from treating the TB, which keeps me from treating the Crohn's, Lupus, Migraines or Psoriasis.  Not to make light of the Psoriasis but for me it's a walk in the park compared to everything else.  Right now it's the damm Crohn's, even with the little I eat, I seem to pay for it in a big way.  My Lupus rashes are spreading and so is the pain.  My next house will need to have a sit in tub as pulling myself in and out during flares seems to be too much.  I cannot force myself to go anywhere or do anything when I am in this state of suffering, there is no putting on my big girl panties and forcing myself to keep moving.  This is lying in bed just trying to keep my head together during the pain and suffering.  My heart goes out to others suffering similar diseases or similar pain or even this amount of daily suffering.  It takes a toll if you let it, I haven't let it yet but I can understand how it does.  You have to try and stay stronger than what is attacking you, it's hard, damm, damm hard.

It is the third day of falling asleep in the middle of the day and I still wake up in excruciating pain.  After getting dressed today I took off my clothes and put on my robe, the pain of wearing clothes was just too much.  My lupus is rampant throughout my body and that along with Crohn's is just more than I can handle.  I will go back to bed soon again.  The red swollen hurting joints and rashes are just hard to deal with.  I feel for others going through this disease of Lupus along with Crohn's is just hard on a person and very exhausting.  I am taking my pain patch but I'm not sure what it is doing as I think suffering with both diseases at the same time may be too much for any medication to kick.

I am in the middle of a Lupus flare and my Crohn's is aways constant.  Yesterday I went to bed at 3 in the afternoon and slept 19 hours.  Today my Lupus joint pain is so bad I could barely lift myself out of the bathtub.  The joint pain grabs you and grips and just won't let go.  It's really quite miserable.  That and along with my Crohn's having me grab the walls just to get through the damming pain is just taking a toll on me.  I know I need to stay out of the sun and try and sleep this off, but it doesn't go away quickly and it's hard to sleep when your shoulders and hips hurt so bad you can't lye still.  It makes no sense to me that something can't be done.  Last week my chest pains were so bad I thought I was having a heart attack, Lupus seems to affect many parts of your body.  Right now my joints are hurting directly where my red rash flares are showing and they seem to be growing instead of getting better.  And that is my rant for the day.  I can't call my daughter as I don't want to cry when I talk to her on the phone, so I am just hibernating and waiting this all out.  It can't last forever, there has to be some reprieve soon even if it's not soon enough.

Having Lupus is just as bad as Crohn's.  My joints are all red, I have the lupus rash in many places on my body and it literally hurts to stand up and sit down.  My finger tips are numb and tingly, this is a new symptom and I have intermittent chest pains, common in Lupus but I do need to discuss with my doctor.  My hips hurt to sit or lye down, hence my problems with sleeping. I can kind of keep my crohn's at bay by not eating, not an easy way to live.  But the joint pains are really debilitating.  I'm not talking about a little pain here or there it's as if you have ran a marathon every single day.  I am too young to live like this, but what can I do?  I finally got up at 5 a.m. and decided I couldn't lye in pain any longer and just started my day early but it is 10 a.m. and I am back in bed.  I am thankful for a good view from my windows and t.v. to keep my mind occupied and maybe off my pain.  My pain patches are working as I am feeling a little relief now and then but it's very short lived but better than before.  Small glimmers of hope,

The last couple of days have been pure hell for me.  When you have to brace yourself while in the bathroom just to get through the pain and even then you pray to god to help you get through it, you know something is terribly wrong.  My lupus has been flaring at the same time.  My joints turned bright red and it literally hurt to sit down or stand up.  Along with dealing with devastating migraines it has all been a bit much.  Mostly I have been in bed just trying to get through the days.  I was up all night with Crohn's and just didn't sleep but today I feel better than I have in about a week, so I will take it.  I realize that I will be ready for bed at noon but hey that's okay.  I am learning that naps may be a part of my life for a while.  I am learning how to use these pain patches, you would think it's pretty simple but really it's not.  I was having chest pains and I'm pretty sure it was from taking scorching hot baths that cause the medication to release in a bunch.  Not only is that hard on your system but you end up without the medication needed.  Also, my last patch got a little wet by being sat down on the counter and water can ruin the patch.  There are certain areas that are better than others to place the patch and I am playing with this each time I put on a new one.

It has been so long since I have blogged, almost forgot how to do it.  Just when I was at the very end of my rope my doctor has stepped up to the plate to help me.  I am on a new pain medication, a patch.  This is very new to me, I am about a week out in taking this.  While I find great relief from my pain and fatigue while on this patch my migraines seemed to have kicked in full force.  The weather here has gone from 70 degrees one day to snowing the next and I am hoping this is the reason for the increase in my migraines.  They literally put me to bed eyes closed waiting for it to pass or for myself to fall asleep through the hell.  On the upper note, seeing some relief after literally living in my bed leaves me with a bit of hope. Just about when I thought all hope was lost.

I have been under the weather along with the usual Lupus and Crohn's now for almost two months.  I think I finally figured out that it's my liver that is making so ill.  I thought it was getting better and I started taking large amounts of herbs and vitamins to try and help my illnesses. Well what a mistake that turned out to be.  My eyes are yellow, I generally feel malice, head hurts, nauseated and I feel like I just want to crawl into bed.  When your liver is sick there's not much you can do about it.  I should have been smarter about the whole thing.  I thought maybe my liver was better but it was only settled down because I wasn't taking anything.  I cannot live like this, it's like having the bad flu twenty four hours a day seven days a week.

It has been a while since I have written about my disease and struggles.  I am suffering from a debilitating migraine that just won't let up.  As I type I am sitting here with all the shades pulled and sunglasses on trying to overcome the pain and nausea.  Unfortunately, I can't just go to bed, if I could I would.  This morning was an excruciating experience of Crohn's that left me depleted from dealing with the pain.  It really isn't an easy life or existence most of the time.  I really envy those who are able to get this disease into remission.  On top of all this my Lupus has started to flare again and it hurts to sit down in a chair.  If I wasn't living this myself it would almost be unbelievable but there are so many of us out there.  The good news is that we are a strong group that support each other.  We face hard daily challenges but we are always there with a kind word for each other.  If it wasn't for my Crohnie friends this struggle would be more unbearable than it already is, people and faced I have never met face to face but yet their kindness and outreach means more to me than anything.  Thank you,

 Low Dose Naltrexone (LDN) when I asked my GI about it he acted like I was speaking another language.  I explained that it was an alternative or non mainstream drug that was being used to treat Crohn's Disease, this was about a year ago.  Understand that my GI was a teacher, so he comes very qualified.  He not only blew me off but wouldn't even research it.  Now there are groups of sufferers who have banned together to find doctors who will prescribe the drug or alternatively find ways to get the drug from legal sources.   Many are compounding their own drug and finding relief from this.  It is a drug that was or is used to treat opioid addiction.  In very small doses it helps Crohn's Disease or so many people say.  If my liver was healthy enough to handle it, I would so give it a try.  Also, my understanding of it is that it also cannot be tolerated or taken with pain medications.  When you are desperately hurting it is hard to go off the pain medications to go on this new medication, however when my liver get's well enough I will.  Even if it means going to an alternative way to treat my pain, I'm sure you get my drift.  There was a Drug Trial done on this medication and it had pretty good success but I suppose because it is not a big money maker and probably are no kick backs being given it will probably never see the day of being used to treat symptoms of Crohn's Disease.

I have never been one to run to the doctors and I think that was my downfall with this disease.  Twenty years ago I had a bad episode and passed out split my chin open after being up all night with what now I know is Crohn's Disease.  Over and over again I complained about strange symptoms as was blown off.  I think that is really why today my Crohn's has never been in remission while others find relief.  There unfortunately are many like myself who just don't get out of the flare and live quite miserably.  If you think something might be wrong with your health and you feel like you are misdiagnosed or in my case blown off, keep at it.  You know your body better than anyone else and if something is wrong, get to the bottom of it sooner than later.  I'm pretty sure I have had this disease since I was little.  I thought everyone had painful bowel movements and problems with pain in their stomach.  It is not the case and so it went on for so many years and is unbeatable because of that.  You are your best advocate, don't let anyone tell you any differently.

I got up and got dressed, showered and then an hour later caved in and put my robe on.  Comfort is so nice when you are under the weather.  I have been batteling the flu and it doesn't want to go away.  I refuse to give in and get an antibiotic because as many of you know it reeks havoc on your disease.  Crohn's Disease is so similar to the flu that at first I wasn't sure it was the flu, but the head feeling like it could pop off was my strong indicator.  I went into the doctors to pick up a prescription and they had the masks for everyone to wear and I thought, well I will be quick, so I will be fine.  WRONG!  I usually avoid going in this time of year but they refused to give my prescription this time to my hubby and so I was forced in to give them the okay.    What a price to pay just to pick up a prescription.  Ah well, as with everything else this too shall pass.

Could not fall asleep last night so about midnight I had toast.  I was out of my normal bread and had to have healthy whole wheat.  Boy was that a big mistake.  I thought I was going to die this morning and it continues through this afternoon.  I cried, screamed, put my head in a towel and just prayed to god that I would get through it and somehow I always do.  My intestines are very swollen and I really wonder how I continue to live with this day after day.  This is a damm hard disease and completely brutal.  I usually eat a small amount of yogurt, applesauce and smashed banana with peanut butter and a piece of fish.  Trying to keep things that are easy to digest, soft and high in protein and or nutrition.  Needless to say, today I have a loaf of my plain white unhealthy bread that is easier to digest and I hope my Crohn's will settle down.  All in the day of the life of someone with Crohn's Disease.   Surviving these brutal episodes wears you down mentally and physically.

Everyday I read about or meet someone new who has been burned by taking a Biological Drug.  It is either in a small or very large form.  Mostly very large.  Today not only did I deal with the endless trips to the restroom with Crohn's but horrible fatigue and joint pain and rash from my Lupus (which for those of you who don't know) was caused by Humira.  My Psoriasis is flaring at the same time but really is small potatoes compared to the other problems.  I get up and get dressed everyday with the thought that this makes me feel less like a patient and more like a human being but today I did give in to the Shingles and get back into my Pajamas.  If I'm going to suffer it's going to be in comfort.  Some days I just give into all of this crap, no pun intended. 

So supposedly they have found that people with suppressed immune systems can get shingles more than once and I am the lucky recipient.  I wondered why I was so dang miserable and now with the rash and blisters I realize what is going on.  I'm glad to know why I am so cranky and uncomfortable and just down right miserable.  No wonder I feel like the devil reincarnated.  So I will just try and make myself as comfortable as possible and get through this as this too shall pass.

Today I sit with a heating pad and trying to make the best of another bad day.  When am I going to get a break from all of this crap.  I think if I would get a light reprieve the day in and day out of being chronically ill would be easier to take.   I am going through a long period of not feeling well and on top of not feeling well I am in extreme pain on a constant basis.  So many people write just make the best of it, how do you make the best of pain?  I mean really, you must not be in the same state of agony I am in if you can say this sort of thing.  If you can make the best of it, you must have moments of feeling okay and times when you feel shitty.  For a very long time I haven't had moments of feeling okay, I just feel shitty.

I am avoiding calling my mother because I cannot hide how miserable I am to her and I don't want to upset her or give her unneeded stress.  When I'm not feeling well the emotions take over.  My poor daughter has seen this in me over the last few weeks.  Usually I can put a smile on my face and pretend I am fine but lately I haven't been able to do that.  I cry everyday over pain that I cannot seem to get a grip on.  Usually a person who doesn't feel good can put on a good face and get through it, but chronic severe pain is hard to live through like nothing is going on. The face of being chronically ill isn't easy and I'm tired of pretending it is.